For 'cougars' on prowl, dating goes mainstream

Jennifer Dagen and Dusty Edmonds pose for a portrait in their Chandler townhouse. Despite their 18-year age difference, the couple married in 2006. (Credit: David Calvert/azcentral.com)

Ian O'Connor, 34, is so over women his own age.

They have too much drama, too many issues, too little maturity.

The Phoenix social worker is looking to date someone more sophisticated, so he'll be one of more than 65 people expected to attend the Valley's first matchmaking event for younger men and older women today at Millennium Resort at McCormick Ranch in Scottsdale.

Called Men Enjoying Older Women, or M.E.O.W., the event is named after a tongue-in-cheek reference to "cougars," slang for women typically older than 40 who prefer to date men at least a smidge younger, who are called cubs.

"I really value people that have healthy lives, and I find that older women are more in touch with their mind and body and spirit, and they're really just happier to be alive," said O'Connor, who has dated six older women in the past five years.

O'Connor is getting his master's degree in social work and said personality issues are easy to spot. "Red flags stand out like crazy for me, and that typically happens with the younger women," he said.

Last spring, TV Land's dating show "The Cougar" starred Scottsdale's Stacey Anderson; and last year, a Valley couple produced an independent cougar-lifestyle movie, "My American Boy."

Next month, the first national cougar convention, to crown Miss Cougar America, will take place in Palo Alto, Calif. And this fall, ABC's Courteney Cox comedy "Cougar Town" will premiere.

But for those attending Valley dating coach Joann Cohen's event, the shifting mores of popular culture and the example of Demi Moore, 46, and Ashton Kutcher, 31, can't override millennia of ingrained courtship conventions or memories of "The Graduate."

"When I was newly divorced, younger men hit on me and I was taken aback. I didn't know what to do," said Cohen, 52, who now teaches a seminar, "Dating the Younger Man."

"This is really designed to help people . . . experiment with people they might feel uncomfortable approaching in a traditional nightlife setting," Cohen added.

Helping connect: To help would-be couples connect over cocktails, Cohen will hand out "icebreaker" cards with questions that everyone should have three new acquaintances answer. And she'll be there, coaching people through awkward moments.

She does these things because cougar-cub canoodling can be awkward at first. Women are afraid to seem like predatory Mrs. Robinsons, and men don't want to look like foolish Benjamins.

People feel awkward because the social changes making it easier for older women and younger men to date have happened so recently and quickly, said Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist at Rutgers University in New Jersey.

In a single generation, the increasing presence of women in the workforce has meant that more women than ever are earning enough to support themselves and are coming into contact with more men. So now, more women can choose a partner for reasons beyond his ability to provide.

"This leaves a woman capable of choosing from a much wider range of individuals," said Fisher, who also is a consultant on the dating site chemistry.com. "We're seeing tremendous new flexibility in family formation, and this is part of that trend. Our great many beliefs about what a family is and how it should be composed are rapidly changing."

On the other side of the equation, Fisher says that because they may have kids from a previous marriage and society increasingly accepts childless couples, men are under less pressure to date a woman who looks young enough to have children.

Up to a point, at least.

"The key is that the women who are successful in attracting a younger man look young and fit and full of life, full of energy," Fisher said.

Who's going? Fortunately, there are a lot more young-looking 40-somethings than there used to be, according to Susan Swimmer, fashion-features editor for More magazine.

"They've been exercising their whole lives...have better skin-care regimens and more money to spend on them," she said. "At 40, they're the best version of themselves.

"Twenty-five-year-old men have grown up in a time when women can be ageless."

This may be particularly true in the Valley, where the word "cougar" is less of a pejorative and just more of a description.

Case in point: Scottsdale Jean Company is hosting an online casting call for the boutique's next spokesmodel, and applicants must be "hot moms" or "cougar types," according to a Twitter post announcing the search. More than 100 women applied in the first two weeks.

"The hot moms and cougar categories overlap often, especially in Scottsdale," boutique owner Steven Koeppel said.

Heather Smith, 42, of Scottsdale, doesn't see herself as a cougar, even though she is going to the M.E.O.W. event.

She met Cohen when she took a class called "Get Your Sexy Back," during which she learned to practice her "sexy walk."

"I learned I walk too fast," she said with a laugh. "I actually want a relationship. I don't only date younger men; I'm an equal-opportunity dater."

She's looking for someone active, outgoing, fun and adventurous, someone who wants to go out for more than dinner. She said these qualities are easier to find in younger men.

Peter Trejo, 37, is one of the younger men Smith will meet. He once dated a woman 11 years his senior. That's when the Scottsdale human-resources director learned he prefers them.

A self-described introvert, Trejo said that mingling at events can be awkward but that older women usually have the social skills to make it less so.

"I think it's important in a relationship to be able to have good conversation," he said. "And older women know what's going on in the world; they avoid small talk."

He also likes that older women don't expect gifts, free meals or game-playing.

"You never have to worry about how long to wait to call," he said. "When I went out with an older woman, the refreshing thing was, she called me the next day, in the morning. And I was like, 'Wow.' "